The Blizzard of 09

So it wasn't the 13 inches promised...but it was enough snow to give the Shepherd's a white Christmas!

Before the Fall

(title provided by Marty)

Before the fall there was laughter.
There was Marty teaching Daniel to make his favorite casseroles.
And some good eating at a table set for 8.



Before the fall there were stockings hung.
There were presents given and received
and there were cookie jars discovered.






Before the fall Grandmom's cookies were all gone!
Irish coffee made an appearance.
Plus Daniel had second dinner and Claire did thousands of dishes.

Before the fall Andrew and Kelly won a Scrabble game,
Even though Paul is probably the Scrabble champion
and Charlie is the wordsmith.

Before the fall Stephanie brought out the puffy paint.
Charlie discovered glitter
and new ornaments made it onto the tree.

Before the fall there was a blizzard.
The house stayed warm
and Pascal played with a new toy.



Before the fall there was shopping
and some Starbucks
and the Southerners experienced walking in a N'oreast wind.

Before the fall Charlie and Daniel did twirls.
Claire and Paul held hands.
And Andrew and Kelly smiled on ice.



After the fall there were sighs of relief.
But more smiles.
And the realization that bringing family together is risky
but oh-so-important
and worth it all.





Peace and Good Will to all the Shepherds! We loved having you here!
We hope to see ya'll in the spring!
We promise to get rid of the snow and ice by then!

Decorating

The other week Daniel and I registered for the little one at Target and Babies R' Us. It was okay but I felt a wee bit silly running around with a scanner debating whether or not I wanted green blankets or 'ecru' blankets. I opted for both since hey, the scanner was pretty easy to use! But for the most part it was completely overwhelming. So many baby things, so many baby toys (we really enjoyed the toy aisle but didn't request much since we figured that it would be more fun to pick out toys in general). Seriously, baby toys are just fun....

Now, toddler toys at Baby's R'Us however I will save for a different blog. Where in the WORLD are all the wooden, non-plastic, non-make tons of wracket, non-electronic toys for young toddlers? I'm talking blocks, stacking cups, rolling balls people!

Anyway, I digress. So we were pretty overwhelmed and also feeling a bit over-consumed. Which is easy to do this time of year anyway.

So we went and bought a tree. Because well, you know the best cure for feeling like a consumer is to shop :)

But the tree was beautiful and it wasn't plastic and it smelled heavenly. And we had so much fun decorating it.



Because let's face it. Humans like to decorate, we enjoy 'nesting' (I hate that word, that will be for another blog). When the lights turn on and the wise men walk through their cactus path to the manger scene and the Christmas music gets turned on, it's nice, it's cozy. The crazy red and green finally go together.

So, even though I really don't care if the baby has green or white blankets I thank my Christmas tree for putting me in a better mood about the whole crazy baby registry thing. We do need to convert an office which has 7 book shelves in it to a baby's room. And that means we might have to do a fair bit of decorating and deciding whether or not green or white makes the room cozy, comfortable, some place that we all might want to spend a lot of time in!

And also, as I look at the ornaments which are our favorites: (the wood cut outs we made the year we were engaged and our mothers said that we 'didn't yet deserve our own ornaments', the wooden ones that my grandfather made me, Daniel's little nutcracker man that he remembers from childhood) I know that being cozy and comfortable doesn't mean going all martha stewart in the nursery but simply being honest. I like green. Daniel likes white. We like white lighting with multiple lamps. We don't like cutesy. We like storage space. And that really what our little one will need is a space to make some good memories in....whether or not she has matching socks for her outfits (which, as Daniel's child and my mom's grandchild she has little hope for anyway...socks never match at our house!) I'm thinking all white, all the time!

Half-Way!

Wow! Time flies....

No it doesn't. That is SUCH a preggo myth. Yes, time is flying as it always does at the end of the semester. There are thousands of papers to grade/write/edit. There are holiday parties to plan for and decide to make time for. There is the rushing that comes from Thanksgiving turning into Christmas overnight. And yes, Daniel and I have stopped a few times and said, are we really at Week 20?

And maybe now that I am not puking every day and am sitting down at the table for dinner and manage to stay up at night without completely falling over time will fly. But for all those women who told me that this magical time would simply fly by...

No, it doesn't. When you are in agony and exhausted and getting up to go the bathroom every 2 hours at night and your back hurts and you can't move your hips because they have locked up and your husband is twice as exhausted because he does everything around the house x2 plus works 75 hour work weeks....TIME DOES NOT FLY. It crawls. The seconds simply tick-tock by.

Pregnancy (at least for me) is work. It is effort and sweat.

And I know that this sounds like a whiny, complaining post -but it's not. Not really. Because, since time hasn't flown by for me I have experienced this pregnancy. I feel like I know it. And I feel like I know our little girl a little bit.

Now when she kicks me I can say, yes, of course, this is what we were working towards. And we are working towards still bigger kicks and a really hard day around April 19th. Which will also be work. And I am sure that it won't "fly by".

But that's going to be a good thing. Because too much of our life flies by. We don't stop to catch it to savor it, to smell it, to experience the pain. We wait for our next piece of entertainment, the next big project, the next big thing. We hold out for birthdays and Christmases to see our family and friends.

We shy away from the work, the pain, the agony of what it means to live day in, day out.

So bring on the work baby, we're ready.

Happy Thanksgiving!

WE were so thankful that our little one had a healthy checkup and it was a wonderful surprise to find out WE ARE HAVING A GIRL!!!!!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!




To celebrate Mom and Daniel fixed an amazing Thanksgiving Feast in the new kitchen (with newly mudded walls by Dad and Daniel). Kevin supervised.

I actually ate most of the Thanksgiving Feast...skipping over only the wine and the squash casserole (one of which I never partake in anyway, I'll let you guess which one :)

I've provided a video of the wonderful weekend. There are some pics on the Picasa site as well. Mostly however we just enjoyed being a family... a lot of games (including one of Risk where the pregnant lady took over the world!, some tears, a newly discovered love of feeling the baby kick, introducing mom and dad to Sushi, learning how to watch football with Kevin, fixing drywall, shopping urban style (meaning not a mall in sight!), and enjoying having 4 more people to boss around other than Daniel!

BOY or GIRL?

Okay everyone....this week is your last chance to make your final guess....

BOY or GIRL?


If the little one cooperates this coming Wednesday we'll have an answer. For those of you who need some clues in your guessing.

-I'm still morning sick.
-The foods I do like are mangoes, apples, peanut butter, yogurt, whip cream, and strawberries.
-The foods I hate are chicken, peas, and lasagna, and garlic (the last two mean the baby agrees with its parents assessment of New Jersey :)
-My hands are soft.
-the heartbeat is 150 bpm
-When Daniel dangles a ring over my belly it goes from side to side.
-I'm carrying high (although on my short torso I'm not exactly sure where low or high really would be!)
-I sleep on my left side unless I'm sleeping on my right side.
-The little one was conceived in July.
-I am 29.
-I have had exactly three dreams about the baby. All of them scary but in one the baby was a girl in one the baby was a boy and last night the baby just cried and I couldn't get it to stop but I have no idea what sex it was.

I hope that helps. I am refusing to guess. Daniel has his own guess. My mother swears she knows because (and you all didn't know this but apparently she is a psychic). And my brother changed his guess once he came and visited me.

Good Luck. We'll let you know soon!

Kitchen Remodel Part IV

Wherin Pascal helps build shelves, the sink starts running water, and there is a guest appearance of french toast! Unfortunately I took the french toast making video with the wrong kind of computer file.



But Daniel make a lovely breakfast the other morning of orange, ginger, and vanilla french toast with navel oranges on the side. We cooked on the stove, used water from the sink, and took dishes OUT of the new shelves. There obviously is still a lot of painting, sealing, and aesthetic work to be done but I actually think that we might be on the way to completely a successful kitchen remodel.

I use the word "we" very generously as Daniel has worked his fingers to the bone getting this accomplished. I have managed to put together a few shelves and shared a few choice critiques....but truly this has been Daniel's project and he has done it so very well.

Also a shout out to my brother Kevin who visited for a week and really worked hard...even missing a Bengal's win as he stayed in our non-cable abode.

Kitchen Remodel Part III

Or also known as Awesome Floor Week and Daniel Kills a Pipe!

Kitchen Remodel Part II

Is the baby going to like the new kitchen?

Little brother goes DEMO crazy!!!

Safety above all else (I was in a hotel by this point...no water, no electricity, and old lead paint dust do not make soon to be mommas happy)!

And DRYWALL goes up.....the kitchen begins to (slowly) take shape!

The Kitchen Remodel Begins

THE KITCHEN BEFORE (cleaned up and ready to go bye-bye)













None-insulated 100 year old walls.















The ugly drop ceiling which covered originial but unsalvable tin!






The walls are all gone!

Forgetting...for a moment

So, I'm sitting in a hotel room waiting to hear whether or not Daniel and Kevin survived the trip to the ER. (Kevin stepped on a nail during our kitchen demolition phase...he's fine but it could be a long wait for a tetanus shot.....otherwise the demolition goes smoothly, Daniel said that they were right on track and had just gotten to the major plumbing work...the electrical was done and the walls were insulated).

In any case, without running water or continuous heat I escaped for a night. I really wanted to restart my writing. Now that my nausea has dissipated I feel that I need to get back to a writing schedule.

Of course, I am worried about Daniel and Kevin but they assured me that they were okay. So, I finished my simple dinner of cheese, crackers, and hummus. I had used the hotel pool, availed myself of the complimentary citrus shampoo and dried my hair. I opened up the laptop.

I checked email, facebook, a few blogs, and stared.

And then, I started writing. And I kept writing.

I actually finished a section and then looked up. Not that much time had passed. But what I had noticed was that I had forgotten I was pregnant. Just for that amount of time. I was in my paper, in my mind, in my work!

Now, it's not that I want to forget about my child or that I don't notice that I'm starting to sit funny in chairs but and this is the important part: I truly believe that although you cannot sever the bond that exists between parent and child both parent and child must become separate persons. They must learn to develop together but grow as individuals at the same time. This obviously is complicated because it really means that there is no separation between individuals and often the parent/child is one of we and not two I's.

In any case, I want to celebrate this little space between me and my little one....just a little space...but an important one nonetheless!

Eating Again

This weekend I ate vegetables. With Rice. At a table. Daniel ate fish in front of me. There was a waitress. There were cooks. People walked by us with wine and food.

We laughed. We talked. We giggled a lot. We gave the waitress a big tip for being part of our First Night Out in 9 Weeks!

Pure Bliss.

I did not know how much I loved food until I could not eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

I'm still not 100%. Mornings are blah....an don't anyone bring me over garlic and tomatoes! However last night I ate a salad and today I ate hummus for lunch.

Here's hoping to a great 16th week!

12, 13, 14, 15 = 100 lbs!!!

STILL NAUSEOUS!!!!! But steadily gaining weight because I eat almonds, peanut butter, whip cream, all the fruit I can manage, and cheese. (well, that's practically gourmet, right?)

Wild Things Part Two

And for those of you who are afraid that now that Daniel is 30 he is settling down....I give you this video taken just this August in the middle of our little heat wave.

Obviously the directors of WTWTA got the opening scene idea from our house.

May I present my own two special wild things. Simone (the other wild thing) likes to watch from the couch...where we both try and stay out of the pile.

Wild Things

It hasn't been a great week.

First it began with an evil flu shot. Which turned my world upside down the ENTIRE (I'm not exaggerating people, that thing threw my body into panic, AHHH FOREIGN INVASION MUST PUKE CONTINUOUSLY FOR THE NEXT 12 hours mode) next day AND weakened Daniel's impecable immune system (seriously, he usually gets a cold for A DAY but has now been sneezing and coughing for 5 days). Now, I've had the flu and it's no picnic and I would rather not have it pregnant and I ride the subway to work everyday so I literally can SMELL the germs that are bombarding me. HOWEVER, I still and will always classify the flu shot as EVIL.

I can't wait to see what the H1N1 shot does to me....perhaps I'll actually hallucinate. I hope to god though that it's not about pigs because I just can't handle dreams about pork right now

Second, the wild child that it is in me is quickly turning my entire brain into mush as I whither away from lack of actual dinners.

LUCKILY as Daniel slowly fades away into a large coughing nose, I have taken a turn for the better. I am on a steady breakfast diet of a bottle of Ensure and I am now eating again...although I am afraid that salads will forever be forbidden to me.

Yesterday we went to see Where the Wild Things Are. Because, well, it's Daniel's b-day on Monday and I actually felt like going out into the WORLD so we took the opportunity. Also, I think that there might be a wild thing in me. Daniel started cracking up as soon as Max makes his first on-screen appearance and I had a sudden realization that our child will be the one with bugs in his pockets, a hidden fort somewhere, a wolf costume that he won't take off, and a pet squirrel that he keeps in the corner of his bedroom closet (note to future self: buy next house without closets...use only open cubbies and have Daniel take plumbing class).

Also I realized that I will never be taking my child to the movies. Is that wrong of me? Am I an evil mother? And look, I don't mean when they are 8 or 9. I mean when they are 4 and you have to explain the plot of a movie that IS FOR GROWNUPS and is about NOSTALGIA OF CHILDHOOD AND THE HEARTBREAK OF ANY FAMILY...it's not really about cute monsters folks (sorry to ruin it for you :)

It was a beautiful movie ruined by children. Ugg...I DO sound evil right now. I promise I love kids. But really, as soon as I would get all into the crazy monsters the child behind me would start kicking my seat and the child next to me would start asking his mom to take him to the bathroom and the child in front of me kept opening and shutting his mom's cell phone which would all promptly take me out of 'movie zone' and remind me that I am pregnant with my own wild thing!

So remind me readers....to leave my children at home and just rent them a fun movie and also remind me to stay up late, pay the evening movie charge, and go see the cute- kids- movie- that- is -really -for- grownups at the 11:00 showing when all the 4 and 5 year olds will be in bed.

That sounds like an awesome date night.

Please apply for babysitting.

Why Blog?

(Oh, the pumpkins are ours, homegrown in the backyard!! The neighbors told us "...for real, when I look out my back window I had to go, they got pumpkins in their yard!"

but our house is not pictured....maybe when we carve the pumpkins I'll get one up of our house!)

I didn't quite say all I wanted to about community. I wrote a really fun paper about it though on Aristotle's Nichomachean Ethics....so if you are really interested, I will be happy to send it your way! And if you do read it, please send me comments back (I know a few of you are crazy English grammar maniacs who love to take a red pen to anything)!



But, I did want to say one last thing about why I have started blogging. I truly did want to chart what it was like to be a graduate student who is trying to write and grow a little one at the same time. And in a few months, I would like to write about how it is to write and take care of a little one. I think we don't talk about this enough in our culture. We applaud mothers. We understand that there is an ongoing debate about work and mothering and where the two shall meet or never mix. But, in the graduate school culture we don't talk about what it means to live a life of the mind. To think, to be a thinker, a researcher and to be a mother at the same time. And this is a conversation that I wouldn't mind being a part of.

But also, I want to not feel so distant from the people that once knew me. I would like to be able to meet them occasionally and give them a big hug and not have to start with, well, for the past 6 years we've......

I'd like to have a way to share bits of our daily life so that when we meet up with people from our old community, we can begin anew. I doubt that it will feel the same but I have hopes that by keeping small connections across time, space, and place we'll be able to sit down and be merry together.

In that spirit I share the above pics from our weekend walk which showcases Fall in our community. (The extra dog is simply a guest for the weekend, thankfully, we our a one dog kind of family!)

Community

So I've been watching, pretty religiously, the Thursday night NBC comedy bloc. This is due to three reasons:

1) I haven't been able to watch t.v. on Thursdays since I started work on my PhD because we have this special conference on Thursday nights and I've given myself permission to skip it this year because a) I've never liked it to begin with and b) I'm tired.

2) I'm tired. I teach and have class on Thursday so when I roll through the door at 7 I'm tired, like achey, feet-sore, eyes burning kind of tired.

3) I think laughing is good for nausea.

So there is this new show called Community with Chevy Chase. It's okay, not nearly as funny as the Office but it has a few moments that have been enjoyable. But I do enjoy the premise (and I have one major beef with the writers).

Okay what I like: So the show centers around 6 people all attending a local community college for a myriad of reasons. And like at most colleges, they are 6 strangers who happen to fall into each other's lives. They don't know each other from their past lives. They haven't slept with each other yet (although obviously that is one of the subtext....it is t.v...). And, they aren't really sure why they have been thrown together. And this is how I feel almost everyday, even after 6 years in New Jersey. I mean, sure, Daniel and I have formed a bit of community ourselves. I'm learning to tolerate our neighbors. Daniel has a few people at work that can talk to him about non-work-related issues. We have a small network of folks around the area that sometimes come over. And after 6 years of 2 different graduate schools, I've made some actual friends.

But, really, it's all been about throwing us into these strange little places of work and school and trying to form a community out of them. And it's really difficult. Especially for Daniel and I. We like our little habits, we liked the people in our past, heck, we usually like our families! And at times, if we don't laugh we would cry -which is a pretty accurate description for what makes a comedy, comedic. It borders on the insane and tragic and then laughs at it all. I don't think forming communities gets easier the older you get. I think it probably gets more and more accidental and comedic. I see all these mommy groups and think, gosh, it's simply their children that hold these women together. My yoga class is held together by the fact that we all are IN LOVE with our yoga/doula/magical calming voice for a pregnant lady teacher.

I try and form a community in my classes and my students often (I know) are saying in thier heads, "Really, I just like my friends, can't she simply lecture and not have us get to know each other and each other's thinking?"

The thing is when people start to pull away and you understand that your community is drifting apart it hurts. After college there was a rash of marriages and moves to different parts of the country and Daniel and I still haven't recovered that community or recovered from the loss of that community.

Of course, I've always thought it important that we not hang on to nostalgia and longing for what was. It is important to keep going and trying new ways of forming new communities and new ways of renewing old ones...and it's wonderful how much of those CAN be recovered with a short note or a new picture of a new little one.

So I suppose that this is all to say is that acknowledging that your community changes over your lifetime is difficult but it can also be a good thing -a growing, changing, thing. And something that hopefully gives you something to laugh over every once in a while.

MY BEEF with the show: They make ALL the professors buffoons and while this is funny it just renforces the norm about what a professor does, what a teacher does. It makes the classes simply a joke and doesn't really applaud the efforts of what some community colleges really strive to do. My hope is that the writers write in a good professor at some point.

Apple Pie and Writing

One of the purposes of this blog is to share my experiences as a working graduate student while being pregnant. So, it is important I think to share that my writing has been going severely downhill. Methinks it has to do with a few things:

a) my morning cup of coffee and my afternoon expresso shot/latte often helped set the stage for a good long writing session and they are sorely missed

b) when you have to make 4 breakfasts to eventually get 1 to stay down, your motivation for much else disappears and when you are again nauseous by 7:00pm every night really, would YOU write or would you get a Popsicle out of the freezer and watch Thursday night NBC comedy?

c) On Friday I cooked an apple pie for my dear husband who has worked tirelessly to keep me and baby satisfied. Now, I am an accomplished pie maker so it's not like this was a brand new task where I was nervous about the crust and wasn't sure what it meant to "roll dough evenly". I like making pies and make them frequently. HOWEVER, by the time the pie was out of the oven I was dog tired. Like, so tired that when Daniel came home and saw the pie on the table with a little card and a framed picture of the ultrasound he also saw a wife with flour all over her sound asleep on the couch and the dog curled up next to her flour/butter hands. So, you can imagine, that if a pie puts me to sleep, a 6 page essay probably might put me in bed for the weekend.

But, this post is not a dismal post. For, I did manage to write a 6 page single spaced essay over the weekend. It isn't my best ever. We aren't talking prizes with this thing. But, it is written. It isn't half bad. And I managed to spell check it.

And it was a damn good apple pie. My best ever!

So, yes, is this pregnancy/writing thing difficult. You betcha' but possible, yes. Especially if you save the eating of the apple pie for writing time. Almost as good as coffee...almost.

Race, Class, Gender....oh my!

So we've been fielding (ever since we announced) but more so, ever since we had the ultrasound the 'sex' question, no NOT THAT ONE, the "will we find out the sex of the baby" question.

We've decided that we want to know. For one thing after 20 weeks I'm sure that I will want to call the little one something other than, the little one, the third one, the one, the baby, it, and then there is Daniel's list of Greek heroes: Athena, Hermes, Achilles, and Hercules (he obviously thinks that the baby will either sprout from my head, be faster than light, or be 10 feet tall with weak ankles!) And we wouldn't want the little one getting a hero complex too early in life, it would stunt the emotional development!

For another thing, it's true, there are some names and some clothes and some colors for the nursery that I just wouldn't do or have for a little girl or little boy. But that point brings me to the crux of this post.

I try and teach in my philosophy class the beginning fragments of race, class, gender, and sexual orientation consciousness. It's not all I teach in my classes, nor is it the focus. But I try to make sure that throughout the semester my students are exposed to the idea that those things can be socially constructed, that those characteristics are used to dominate and control groups of persons, and that we normalize white, male, middle-class, straight values in our society.

Today was the day that I brought it all up big time. I call it my RCG explosion day. It never goes over very well. I always have a few students who voice awkward racist/classist/sexist statements all prefaced by saying, "I know this sounds bad but....." And I always watch my minority students sit very still, with wide open eyes, watching me carefully for what I will say and watching the other students as they judge the tone of the classroom. It's really difficult to moderate well. I'm still not good at it but I'm learning.

It's always a very challenging day. I struggle to remind myself that my students are young and have not seen much of the world and that they ARE entitled to their beliefs and opinions and values. They also struggle because I challenge them and they are forced to reflect on questions that our U.S. society hides from.

And deep down I do empathize with them. I'm not radical enough to raise our baby without a gender like that family in Sweden is doing. I probably will dress our little girl in dresses or our little boy in little pant suits. I'm not going to name our baby some tribal name from a West African village in order to challenge society. I'm sure that I will normalize values from my family and the dominant culture in which I reside.

But while I empathize with them, while I care that they are struggling I also can't bear to bring up a child in a world that isn't just, that isn't struggling to always make its self better and more good. And that means that I am going to keep having RCG Explosion day over and over again...however difficult and however long of a nap I need afterward.

And however much that I will have to explain over and over again to my dear family, I know that women can vote, I know that women can be in the Senate but damn it THERE IS STILL A PLACE FOR THE FEMINIST MOVEMENT around here!

Peace To All.

4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11!

I know, I haven't been posting. Deal with it. The stories will come later. Right now my only focus is FOOD and SLEEP. But for all those wondering how shapely I'm getting...here come your comparison photo collages!

Starting from the top left, top right, bottom left, bottom right 4 5 6 7 (that's my new purple teaching outfit which I wore to the first dr. appt)



Starting from the top left, top right, bottom left, bottom right 8, 9, 10, 11!!!

Obviously I didn't know how bad morning sickness could feel so I thought week 8 was horrible and refused to take pictures of myself, this is one that I took because I wanted Daniel to feel sorry for me :) Which he does (and also a little bit for himself as he watches me get sick on the lasagna/spaghetti/oatmeal/chicken/potaoto/tacos ____, he makes me).

I actually had the worst week in week 10. SO, I am hoping that the combo of Yoga (which I finally started) and swimming twice a week (which I love, even though I feel like a whale in my racing suit (mostly because I think I look like little girls when they are about 8 and haven't yet grown tall so they still have that baby round stomach with a little girl's face),

plus the bonus of the ULTRASOUND that comes Wednesday will get me through week 11 with smiles and just a tad less whining:)

The Body and the Mind

I have been fielding a lot of questions since the big announcement. Most of which center around due dates and my favorite "were you planning this" (which is one of my favorite because people try and ask that one in all sorts of euphemistic ways. My all time favorite being, "and was this an aim of yours in life?"

But a few of those questions have been about how my dissertation studies are going and how I plan to keep them going during this time.

Of course, the easy answer to that question is, 'well, it's kind of my job, so yeah, it'll keep going' and the long answer to that question in three words is 'i don't know'.

Obviously having a child will affect my writing and my reading habits. I know that there are some members of my family who believe that I really will try and read my baby to sleep with Plato's Republic or John Dewey's Art as Experience (although personally, the one philosopher that always puts me right to sleep is Kant) and I'm sure that there will be some nights where the dear little one is rocked to sleep while I read him or her some awesome feminist article. But I'm also sure that those perennial favorites "good night moon" and "brown bear, brown bear" will make it in there as well.

And obviously a hungry baby will not allow me to say, "Well, just hold on, I have one little paragraph to write and then we can have dinner!"

But I think that the disruption will actually be something much deeper. For the past few weeks I have noticed a deep empty feeling about my writing but not in a way that signifies writer's block or frustration. Rather, it's a feeling that I am busy gathering rather than being able to give right now. I'm in a taking sort of mode. It doesn't feel greedy or selfish but more in a way that I feel open to new ideas and new possibilities.

Which, for a writer can be a wonderful thing. Disruption is horrific in the writing process but if it a disruption that allows one to be inspired or to re-imagine or to re-organize within then sometimes those disruptions can push one's writing to new heights...almost dizzying ones.

I think about how some of my best papers were written really towards the end of the semester...almost at the brink of being 'too late'. But this is because a really good class is about taking in, growing, receiving, becoming something new...which means you are often not ready to write until you are filled to bursting (although that is not to EXCUSE any of my student's from procrastinating!!!)

So, I'm under no delusions that this life change will affect my life and hence my writing and reading life. But I'm also hopeful, that my body and my mind are not disconnected but are intimately and importantly connected. So that when I do write (in between puking and napping) , that which I write, will be something that my body and the body that is growing within me understand.

It isn't easy being green

So my post today is about dreaded morning sickness....
DON"T STOP READING!
I promise, no gory details....although it does amaze me that EVERY single woman on earth who has ever BEEN morning sick LOVES to tell me their horror story. I suppose it is to make me feel better. But to tell you the truth it just turns me greener.

But anyway, tonight's post is about the fact that when I first became pregnant (and my sister can vouch for this) I used to moan and complain that I had no idea if everything was working right because I WASN"T morning sick (that's right people, I apparently already had what one reader of this blog has deemed 'pregnancy brain'). My sister rightly told me that I was CRAZY that I should GO TAKE A NAP and I should enjoy the few weeks of eating that I had left.

Of course she was right.
And lo and behold I got home to Daniel and promptly have not been able to be in our kitchen for longer than 5 minutes at a time...although I did manage to make a peach cobbler on Wednesday night once he gathered the ingredients from the refrigerator for me (and I managed to not puke until the crisp was safely in the oven). It was delicious by the way and did not feel like cheating (see last post).

But I do remember the first time I had to run to the bathroom. And the strangest thing happened. I finished (remember I promised no gory details), came out of the bathroom and Daniel was all, are you okay, and giving me a hug and I remember having to hide a grin.

Because you see (and this is the crazy pregancy brain talking) when you are nauseous and vomiting you feel pregant and hence you feel as if everything is okay and working well. So though you feel like crap you also feel reassured: this is normal, this is good, it means I have a healthy pregnancy going on.

Which brings me to this next point which is REALLY CRAZY. When I am not nauseous and vomiting and actually feeling pretty dang good (despite the fact that none of my pants fit) I then get the what ifs and the worries and the oh I wish I were done with this first trimester jitters.

So, it's been a hard week. I'm tired. I'm tired of being green and I'm really tired of worrying.

A bran muffin made with honey is cheating????

Being an avid reader and a well practiced researcher it's not surprising that the first thing I did when we found out that a little one was on the way was drive to BN and try and find the best baby book I could find. We ended up purchasing one about for fathers and the Mayo Clinic week by week book. That one has been extremely helpful, although a little medical but it helps with the hypochondriac part of me! But for the most part the research on babies and pregnancy is downright ridiculous. And the stuff for fathers is downright dismal. Either its completely corny or it plays on the classic, "your life is over now that your wife weighs 30 pounds more and breastfeeds".

Most of it centers on anecdote, very little of it is referenced, and even the new editions of the classics are well-dated. The only book I have really enjoyed is Birth, The Surprising History of How We Are Born. This doesn't surprise me as research on childhood (which is part of my dissertation) and the expectant mother is a fairly new aspect of the scientific, pychological, and humanistic diciplines.

So for this post, I'd like to share a piece of the classic, "what to expect when you're expecting" which made me want to vomit....which is entirely too easy to make me do these days but still: Read ON:

"Best-Odds Cheating: Unless you have a food allergy or sensitivity, no food need by completely off limits, even during pregnancy. The Best-Odds Diest recognizes that all of us slip up -really need to slip up -every once in a while. To eliminate guilt, the diet allows for cheating. So once a week give in to something that is not quite perfect but not totally terrible: a bagel, some bread, or pancakes made with refined flour; frozen yogurt or ice mild made with sugar; french fries or fried chicken; a fast food burger; a bran or whole-grain muffin made with sugar or honey. Once a month, treat yourself to something terribly wicked; a slice of cake or pie; an ice-cream sundae; a candy bar. Always try to cheat selectively -choose carrot cake or cheesecake over buter -cream-frosted yellow cake; cookies made with oats, raisins, or nuts rather than chocolate chips."

Seriously, I mean, look, I eat healthy. Daniel and I were full blown vegetarians for a good year and now we are brown rice flexitarians. I love me a good mango for dessert but to say that ONCE A MONTH is when I can eat a CHOCOLATE-CHIP COOKIE and a BAGEL is considered cheating is downright ludicrous!

So, the search is on! The first person to find and introduce me to the pregnant woman that followed this crazy advice earns me making YOU the biggest, baddest, bunch of chocolate chip cookies EVER (which you can eat in front of her, as she clutches, WTEXWYE, to her chest moaning!)

Sharing the News

I couldn't wait to post these photos of Daniel calling his aunts and uncles. They speak for themselves.