Please Help

I read this article yesterday on how new moms are often overworked, stressed, tired beyond all belief and that all of their family and friends know it!

And the article said that it isn't that family and friends want new moms to be overworked, stressed, and tired beyond all belief but that there are two communication mistakes that happen.

The first is that the family and friends say, "Please tell me what you need and I'll be happy to come over/cook/clean/hold the baby while you take a shower."

And the second is that the new mom says, "Ok. But then waits for her friends and family members to show up."

And what happens is that family and friends show up but since the mom doesn't ask for anything they assume she's fine. And since the family and friends don't offer anything specific she puts on tea and tries to find a clean t-shirt.

The article advised that new moms have to say, "Please help. I need a meal cooked on Tuesday and since I had a C-section and can't go up or down stairs I need either someone to go buy me 7 pairs of underwear in ladies size x or do some laundry for me."

And that friends and family should simply come over, not expect tea and just do one thing around the house, without asking, without complaining, or you know, rearranging the china cabinet because you would prefer that they showcase the vase you bought them last year.

I think I'm guilty on both accounts. I rarely ask for the help I really need and I have known a few new mommies where I simply offered help, not realizing that this just creates a new obligation for the new mom.

I think this is behavior we have learned in our society where families live very separately from one another and friends are met through formal social networks like education and careers so that we don't feel comfortable simply assuming what someone needs. And in our capitalist based society if "I do something for you" it means "you have to do something for me" which means we shy away from asking for favors.

So, in an effort to begin asking for help. I'd like to ask for some right now, call it my practice for becoming a new momma.

I would like to ask all of you to try and help me stay focused in the next 2 months (that's it because I plan to be finished by the middle of March) on writing my dissertation. I started this blog in an effort to give me another reason to keep my writing focused but its too darned easy to simply talk baby and due dates and pictures of family and new updates on the house.

So if you would take some time every now and again to shoot me an email to

sabs2147@gmail.com

that says, "hey steph, have you taken time to write for at least an hour today?" or "hey, I know its hard to focus when your round ligament hurts, send me a paragraph of what you wrote yesterday and I'll edit if for you" or "if you don't start writing I'll have to come over there"

I would really appreciate it.

Best,

Stephanie